Grammy diary!! (note: listed times are not exact. To calculate actual time from the listed time, please subtract five minutes from each entry. Please excuse the confusion).

8:00. And the big top-secret opening number is ... Beyonce and Prince. Ha, he's shorter than her.

8:05. "Purple Rain", plus a run through their respective "Crazy"'s. They pose and prance like all this is a big deal and some kind of perfomance for the ages, which it clearly is not. Prince is a has-been and Beyonce doesn't mean nearly enough yet for this to be the collaboration between legends that they seem to want it to be.

8:06. Let's all spend a night with music's royalty ... that's a really dumb saying, although the guest list is quite impressive. There's probably 100 people announced.

8:08. Quentin Tarantino is trying so hard to be cool, but he is just SOOOOO uncool. Every time I've seen this guy on a talk show or awards show, he comes off as the biggest dork on two legs. There's just no way to reconcile the geek that stands before us now with the genius who wrote and directed some of my favourite movies. I just don't understand how somebody so supremely gifted can be so awkward and unfunny.

8:09. Best Contemporary R&B ... as opposed to what?

8:10. So there's no single host tonight?

8:12. The Beatles era began forty years ago when the band performed on Ed Sullivan. Funny, I didn't know there was a Beatles era (more later).

8:12:30. Here's the most interesting aspect of the Grammys : the juxtaposition performances. In this case, it's Vince Gill, Dave Matthews, Sting, and Pharrell (on drums!) performing "I Saw Her Standing There". The only one who isn't singing is Pharrell, but his falsetto was BADLY needed here.

8:15. There's no way I can sit through three plus hours listening to this smarmy voiceover guy.

8:20. We have our early front-runner for ugliest outfit -- Queen Latifah is wearing some godawful semi-seethrough green curtain. Yes, Queen, sometimes it's not about the hype, or the controversy, only about the music. Good sentiment, wrong example (Xtina). This is the person whose most voice-driven single to date ("The Voice Within") is most certainly NOT about the music, it's about wearing a slip in the video that looks as though it will fall off at any moment and proudly displays her breasts in wonderous fashion. As for this performance of the devine "Beautiful", Xtina, please stop emoting/soloing/improvising/whatever you're doing and just SING THE DAMN SONG. If this was voice + acoustic guitar, then sure, but with 5000 people on stage with you I think people are already suitably impressed.

8:26. John Mayer and Matthew Perry engage in gay discourse (in every sense of the word) that only serves to highlight how ridiculous the category names are (but too bad, because the point of the banter was to be funny).

8:27. I guess Pop=Rock in Grammyspeak.

8:32. That riff is so not all that ... but the White Stripes do sound hot tonight ... and Meg looks yummy.

8:35. Steve/Perry make their 395th awards show appearance without the other members of Aerosmith, whose names nobody knows or could care less about, so what was my point again? And apparently nobody knows how to pronounce "Speakerboxxx". Andre 3000 accepts the Best Rap Album award and says nothing but "thank you". Good for him.

8:45. Martina McBride sings a song about child abuse on a stage that oddly ressembles the one for Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" performance at the 1996 Brits. That's creepy on so many different levels that need no explaining here. Fortunately, no children appear from within the white light and hail Martina as their personal messiah.

8:47. Janet reference I. The battle for Male Pop Vocal pits a bunch of Old Farts (and some dead ones too) v. Justin Timberlake. And the winner is the only person who wasn't nominated on the basis of past glories.

8:55. II. A tribute to the ailing Luther Vandross is introed with more hyperbole by Patti LaBelle (one of the greatest singers of all time? Yes, he had a stroke, it's a terrible thing, but let's be serious about our history).

8:59. Oh, this is just the start of the tribute!

9:00. It's 0% her fault, but Celine Dion looks really foolish singing with a dead mike while the production crew enlighten us with their panicking audio communiques. This is funny, but mainly because it's happening to Celine. Don't worry Celine, most people don't even remember Paul McCartney's mike dying at Live Aid, they'll forget this too.

The song is "Dance With My Father", and it's a cruel irony that Luther wrote this about his own late father when now it is him with the weakened nervous system. Particularly with the background stills depicting (presumably) Luther's own daughter, fathers dancing with their daughters at weddings, etc.

9:04. Luther joins us by videotape and sings a few lines. He sounds a bit weak, but the voice is still distinctively his. Seeing that he's OK and will likely be able to perform again is all the tribute I needed.

9:10. A veritable saint, friend to all men and women, lover and protector of all living things, gracious humanitarian, devoted activist, and all around stupendous guy Sting (oh, and, uh, Sean Paul too) with their dueling versions of "Roxanne". The crowd don't seem to care for SP while going bonkers for Sting, which shows how much they know.

9:14. Female Pop vocal does not equal rock as it did for the men, I presume that's because ... uh, gee, that's a helluva nice dress Xtina, hmmm, oh yeah, III, and what was I talking about again? With the winners so far, I could swear I was watching the MTV awards.

9:22. JTim (in a lily white suit) performs with 194 people (mainly dressed in black). How appropriate. He tickles the ivories, he sings with Arturo Sandoval's trumpet, and plays the jazz role much better than I would have expected from him. The guy can do jazz, pop, beatboxing, I'm impressed, no sarcasm.

9:30. According to Yoko Ono, the Beatles invented music and everything to do with music. Wow, I never knew that. But why are Olivia and Yoko there in person while Paul and Ringo sit at home and make their usual goofy jokes via videotape? It greatly diminishes the supposed importance of the occasion when half of the honourees can't be bothered to show up.

9:39. Black Eyed Peas perform a song I hate, but at least they appear happy to be up there. I'm drinking now, which helps to make portions of the show like these more tolerable.

9:43. Pianist Van Cliburn and guitarist Doc Watson get Lifetime Achievement Awards, but apparently their achievements weren't great enough to warrant a video montage, a performance, or even an actual award presentation.

9:45. Best Country Female goes to June Carter. The award is accepted by her son John Carter Cash who gives a respectful acceptance speech with undoubtfully the heaviest heart in the arena.

9:51. Ella Jenkins "wins" another supposed Lifetime Achievement Award.

9:52. This pop princess made musical history with a real Prince, ho ho, even Cuba Gooding Jr. can't say it with a straight face. They're giving that opening number a megapush to try and sell it as something special, but it's only about a 0.05 on the Britney-Madonna scale. However, Beyonce does give great performance. This one, with it's classy early 20th century moving portrait scene ... OK, forget it, that dove landing on her hand just ruined the whole thing for me. Way too cheesy.

9:58. Artie Shaw is getting more respect from me than he is from the Grammys. Just dropping their names next to an award means nothing. Contemporary stars get ten minutes of airtime and a Lifetime Achievement winner gets a twenty second mention. Why should we consider them to be special if the Grammys don't portray them as being special?

9:59. The hotly contested Best New Artist is between artists who have been around for years ... and it's Evanescence, although 50 thinks he's won. That's the slyest way of getting airtime on an awards show I've seen recently.

10:07. FUNK!! Perfect intros by Shaft the Second (Samuel L. Jackson), sermonizing about all things related to the church of eternal funk, Rupert Randolph is a bundle of energy, and everyone joins George Clinton at the end for the big funkadelicious meltdown. Now there's an ensemble performance that lived up to the hype.

10:27. Jason Alexander (not Britney's ex) pours his guts out to Snoop Dogg about how he was used by that tramp Ms. Spears. When Harry Met Sally was on TV in the middle of the night last night, and I stayed up to watch it. This Snoop-Alexander mini skit reminded my of the football game scene with Billy Crystal whining to Bruno Kirby. They should remake the movie with these two. They should remake every movie and cast Snoop in one of the starring roles.

Anyway, we have a Chick Corea / Foo Fighters performance to get to, and it's a honest-to-goodness reinterpretation of a FF song in a jazz-like style. FF are basically the elder statesmen of American mainstream rock these days, respected by old and young folk alike, and they've now been around a hell of a lot longer than Nirvana were (to put their longevity in perspective).

I've got to applaud Grammy for this improved format. Less talk, fewer stupid awards with contrived titles that nobody gives a crap about. And MORE MUSIC.

IV. (P. Diddy backstage)

10:33. Coldplay sneak in the back door and win Record of the Year! Chris Martin, who has been quite the man with words at awards shows recently, dedicates the win to a couple of Johns -- Cash and Kerry. He hopes the latter will be US President soon, which garners a big ovation. Yes guy.

10:41. Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen" drowns out Alison Krauss' fiddle work, but fortunately not her harmonies. Does Krauss really have eighteen Grammys? If she sticks around, she's could break the record someday (Sir George Solti has 31, I believe).

10:45. Ozzy sure looks good for a guy who almost died a couple of months ago. Rock duo or group goes to Warren Zevon (and Bruce Springsteen), as yet another dead person wins an award tonight.

10:57. The In Memoriam section of the broadcast concludes with a motley crew choir including Zevon's family, Emmylou Harris all Billy Bob Thornton all singing along with Zevon, "Unforgetable"-style. When did Warren Zevon become this year's chosen top departed musician? I think June Carter and Johnny Cash did 1000 X more for music than Warren Zevon. Oh well, it's time to start beer #5.

11:06. True to his name, Babyface still looks like he's fifteen years old. And Richard Marx, whose name has not been mentioned in serious musical circles in fifteen years (if ever) accepts the award for Song of the Year for "Dance With My Father", a song that never would have been nominated if not for Luther's stroke. No disrespect meant to the man, but somebody had to say it. Every award since Xtina's has sucked, and yet I'm having a pretty good time due to the improved performances and the consumption of liquor.

11:10. Neil Portnow comes out to tell us to be good boys and girls and stop downloading ... no, hang on, he's pushing for more government funding for the arts. My fault.

11:11. No, this speech IS about downloading!! Remember, the industry is giving you more choices and options than ever before, as long as 99% of you continue to pay $16.99 for a CD that cost $1 to produce. I've already written about my views on downloading, and they haven't changed significantly in the last three + years. I'll just say this: 1) isn't it funny how Mr. Portnow mentions legal downloading now (since he's realized the gig is up and he must accept it) as opposed to two years ago, when he vilified the entire internet's existence and didn't mention the concept of legal downloading at all. He can thank the likes of Steve Jobs for doing his damned job for him. 2) It's sick that he set this trap by rallying everyone behind him with the govt funding angle, only to drop his real agenda on our heads moments later. If you've got a bone to pick, then pick it, stop with the 3rd rate political slight of hand.

11:21. Jack Black, aliens, Outkast, and finger wagging steal the show (with both performances) just like they did in 2002. "Hey Ya" wasn't a tune that I loved at first, but it just gets better and better each time I hear it.

11:25. The legendary Sonny Rollins wins yet another perfunctory Lifetime Achievement Award, this one named for John Coltrane.

11:26. Outkast deservedly win for Album of the Year, which is the only choice that few critics, fans, non-fans and casual fans can complain about.

This was a long long show, and I was never bored (thank the beer?), but if the show was replayed I doubt I'd want to see much of it again (unlike MTV and MM awards shows). But I've got to credit Grammy with loading up the show with big time performances and almost no talk. Until next time ...