Brit Awards Diary.
0:01. My lord, what an *unbelievable* opening minute with Pink! Popping out of a giant royal crown, band *storming* through "Get the Party Started" -- astounding stuff. I didn't care for the next four minutes of her performance, but what a great start.
0:06. I agree -- it's a cool innovation to put the podium in the middle of the hall, directly in front of the nominees. But the trade-off is the loss of the dining tables with wine bottles and drunk attendees. This new setup is like a convocation.
0:08. Will Young is managed by Simon Fuller (Spice Girls). Well, that certainly makes sense. Will says that Simon isn't afraid to tell him when he's got a bad idea, which he admits is often. No shit, you talentless turd.
0:10. The crowd is less than thrilled at Norah Jones' win for best International Newcomer. I laugh as she gives a serious acceptance speech (via tape) at the lager-it-up Brits.
0:12. Blue. Piss break.
0:22. What sick, sick choices for Best British Single. Somebody inform Gareth Gates that post-1991 covers of "Unchained Melody" are completely unwarranted.
0:23. I'm loving host Davina McColl's constant breast jokes.
0:26. Robbie Williams isn't there? That's shameful.
0:27. Justin Timberlake. At an American awards show, his performance would be a notable portion of the evening. The trouble is, it's been a solid half hour of boy and girl toy prepackaged stuff so far, hence, Justin is practically inconspicuous.
0:30. However, Kylie Minogue doing the "Rapture" rap -- that's real sweet. I could certainly live without Justin's falsetto, though.
0:36. Ms. Dynamite beat out nine(!) others for British Urban Act. All this seamless mixing of the songs during the nominee announcements is a cool idea in theory, but it mainly shows how homogeneous all the acts are. Anyway, she gives a mini speech about respecting her and the other nominees since they work so hard at what they do. Babe, everyone's seen "Making the Band" and "Popstars" so we know there's a lot of rehearsal involved, but most of you are still manufactured catalysers, synthesized for the purpose of increasing product-shifting rates. Live with it.
1:00. International Female is awarded to Pink. Accents aside, you can always identify the Americans because they're thanking 500 people rather than just snickering "thank you" and losing their balance on the podium.
1:05. Coldplay put laser lights to opulent use during a transcendent "Clocks". Sure, it's Earls Court, they've got every right to do a Pink Floyd light show if they want.
1:11. Best British Dance Act. Remember when Orbital, Prodigy and Massive Attack were competing for this year after year? You know, back when there were competent bands nominated in this category? Now it's the urban sameness that's nominated n EVERY other category. On the bright side, notice that the # of categories proliferates like jackrabbits from year to year, and yet the show moves along FASTER and thus, doesn't run any longer than normal. American awards shows, take note.
1:20. Avril Lavigne + 21 drummers + Sk8er Boi. That kind of creativity keeps rock and roll as a viable proposition.
1:25. Best British Group = Coldplay. Also nominated are Blue, Oasis, Doves, Sugababes. When did I wake up from Pop Hell and return to a world with an awards show contested by (mainly) good bands? And Davina McColl is right -- where's the controversy this year?
1:28. Almost on cue, Eminem swears his way through his acceptance speech for Best International Album (delivered via taped message, however).
1:30. Ms. Dynamite blatantly tries to re-create Kylie's 2002 show-stealer "Can't Get Blue Monday Out of My Head" by stealing George Michael's "Faith". But you've gotta respect her, she worked hard to rip off that song.
1:39. By winning Best Album, Coldplay earn their fourth Brit, tying them with Oasis according to the voiceover guy. Maybe the Gallaghers can take solace by being secure in knowing they'd win the back alley brawl between the two bands. Hey, why not, Chris Martin issued an open challenge for a fight during his last speech. Put in on a Pay Per View and charge fifty bucks, I'd watch. This time around, he mocks/imitates presenter Justin Timberlake's dancing in the "Like I Love You" video and states these awards won't mean much after Dubbya kills us all in a war. Who would have guessed that CHRIS FRIGGING MARTIN would supply the night's only controversy. He must be turning into a prick from hanging out with Gwyneth's spoiled friends.
1:41. What a Tom Jones tribute, featuring dozens of cool clips and celeb memoirs. TJ singing "I Walk the Line" with Johnny Cash and June Carter! Singing with Aretha, Stevie. Robbie Williams atones for his absence with touching words about what TJ's meant to him. Then, Tom ruins it all by sporting a goatee on stage. But he too atones with a kickass medley of his songs.
2:00. Tom's done, and so are we, right on time.
