Note: I'm very late with this ... I wrote a bunch of stuff during the live broadcast, but didn't get the chance to go back and look it all over because a) I moved this week, and b) the internet isn't hooked up at my new place yet. In any case, the fallout from this show will be overshadowed times 1000000 by Kanye West's comments on the Katrina Telethon that aired on NBC earlier tonight. It was a tense and beautiful moment ... he was visibly nervous, even shaken as the words emerged from his mouth ... he knew that he'd started to ramble, but ended his monologue powerfully with the "they're sending in the army to shoot us" line, which was enough of a "WTF, did I just hear him say that??" moment as it is. However, you could tell that he had more on his mind ... also, it's remarkable that he didn't raise his voice during the whole tirade (can it still be called a tirade if spoken in calming, hushed tones such as those?). He never came unglued, never lost his cool, never let his anger bubble up and overshadow the words he was saying. I know I wouldn't have kept my cool like that, and I doubt that many others would have been able to as well. This makes is pretty hard to handwavingly dismiss what he said as the rantings of another irrational, violence-obsessed black man on crack, although many commentators will surely try.
Here we go.
7:46. There's something quaint about the fact that Much Music gets (or wants) ZERO VMA priviledges. Every year, they're wandering around in the street outside the venue or are backstage in some closet bringing us hilariously bad "coverage". For the pre-show, we get oh so exciting shots of Leah wandering around the CNE. Why have a countdown show at all?
I'm looking forward to this year's show a lot more than last year's, AKA "let's give Usher a blow job for three and a half hours". It feels as though there's a lot more starpower this year, and what's more, it's *new* starpower. Britney and Christina aren't being recycled for another go-around, but instead we have Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani (er, her solo career is new), and Mariah Carey (back from the dead, what's old is new again). Plus, the host is some new guy I've never heard of, this Diddy character. I love looking at that name in print and laughing at it. Diddy. DIDDY. I can't wait to hear the announcer say "AND YOUR HOST -- DIDDY!!" :/
8:00. Green Day open the show, looking like a group of snot-nosed twenty-year old freaks, playing the song that nearly became the first rock #1 since Nickecrap. All that pyro was completely unneccessary, but they're going to win a billion awards tonight, so the pyro is just letting us know how important they are.
8:07. In 2002, the WWF finally gave into the panda organization after years of legal scuffles and changed their name to WWE. That week on RAW (their weekly flagship program), they held a hardcore title match to lead off the show. Suffice to say that the title was a joke at that point, i.e. it had no prestige at all. Part of the gimmick was that the title was defended 24/7, at all times. I can't remember who was in the match, but it was over very quickly and the announcer said "the winner, and NEW WWE Hardcore Champion, [whoever]". Then, somebody else came down to the ring unexpectedly, hit the new champ with a chair, and pinned him, resulting in yet another title change (remember, the stupid title was defended 24/7), which led to another announcement: "the winner, and NEW WWE Hardcore Champion, [whoever]". This happened about five times in sequence. I think the original champ ended up with the title once this clusterfuck was over, but the title didn't mean shit anyway, so whatever. The real purpose of all this was to get the WWE name announced as many times as possible off the top of the show in order to drill the name change into the fans' heads.
Tonight's opening montage, featuring Sean Combs, was designed for precisely the same purpose.
8:11. I thought I had gotten used to seeing the skinny version of Lindsay Lohan, but apparently not because she now has Alicia Keys' body. Bizarrely, they are presenting Best Male and Female Video together, which leads to Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson approaching the stage while their songs are awkwardly stapled together and played over the loudspeakers. Kelly's backless dress is practically falling apart as she speaks. No complaints.
Before the commercial, we get a Beavis and Butthead vignette! MTV, I'm warning you: don't tease me with this one. We need B&B to chuckle at Gwen Stefani and Theory of a Deadman and we need it NOW.
8:25. Luda's "Pimpin All Over the World" is just sorta there, a bit too clean and sterile for me. Diddy claims he's a gentleman, which means there's no foul language allowed such as fuck and shit. That joke is more played than ... see DX 1997 for the ideal execution of the joke. There are way too many things to make fun of in Diddy's mini-monologue, such as his pulling the "VOTE or DIE" catchphrase out of it's Fall 2004 mothballs. Voting in a presidential election, voting for who has the nicer dress between Gwen Stefani and Eva Longoria. Eh, it's all the same.
8:34. Green Day win Best Rock Video. No surprise.
8:40. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! Like a stilted dance number featuring the smooth steps of our man Diddy. Usher looks bored. Is that the singer from Good Charlotte with Hilary Duff (looking bored)? Black Eyed Peas are grooving along, I guess that's the sort of thing that happens when you let a white girl into the group. Grandmaster Flash on the decks is cool though ... and just as I make fun, MC HAMMER APPEARS AND DANCES TO A VERSE OF "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS", complete with suited entourage. OK, I believe, I believe.
8:48. Shakira and Alejandro Sanz perform amidst jets of fire. It's a Latin performance, so I guess there needs to be fire. Because Latin music is spicy. Hot. Get it, folks?
9:03. I have no idea how they decide which hip-hop videos get tagged with the "Dance" tag, but "1, 2 Step" and "Lose Control" were both nominated, and I'm all in favour of electro songs with rapping on them taking over this category (and the charts).
9:06. R. Kelly: method actor. Acting out every part of "Trapped In the Closet", complete with pillow-throwing, imaginary gun waving, and homosexual hissy-fit, he horribly lip-synchs through a (new?!) Part Six, in which Chuck leaves Rufus and returns to his wife. Hope you enjoyed your foray into cock-sucking, Chuck. I really like R. Kelly's album, but this performance was like unintentional slapstick.
9:24. The Killers perform "Mr. Brightside" at a nighttime pool party in their motel. Then we lose out on a surefire "Anything Can Happen (TM)" moment when Luda ("Number One Spot") beats out The Game and 50 Cent ("Hate It Or Love It").
9:38. Diddy talks about how cool he is and all the people he knows. Again. For the fifth or sixth time tonight. Then he pretends to conduct an orchestra while Biggie plays on the big screen. This is like the hip-hop dinosaur excess version of the American Bandstand 33 1/3 show, where the all-star orchestra played "Blue Suede Shoes" and Elvis joined in via tape. Snoop shows up, sounds great, but can't save this segment. The London Philharmonic Plays the Music of Biggie Smalls -- in a record store near you, just in time for Xmas.
10:00. Things got interesting: Fat Joe dissed G-Unit, a bunch of reggaeton artists got 15 seconds each to ply their trade (feel the record sales spike, FEEL IT), Missy won again (Best Hip-Hop, Missy:MTV VMA's = Sting:Brits = dead, sick, and dying people: Grammys), and Pharrell introduced Coldplay all serious-like (because Coldplay are "deep" and "emotional", necessitating the use of proper gravitas when saying their name).
10:16. Kelly Clarkson wins again (best POP vid), and again, acts like the game show winner who can hardly believe that she's actually a star. That's refreshing. Kanye West gives his usual solid performance, but on second thought, maybe he'll be the one to come out with an album featuring just an orchestra instead of beats.
10:29. The Killers give the most boring acceptance speech ever, while Eva Longoria wears a dress/bathing suit that somehow manages to be incredibly revealing and incredibly ugly. Then we cut to Mariah Carey, who was put up at a much fancier hotel than the Killers were. She sings a "Shake It Off"/"We Belong Together (remix)" medley, and I still can't figure out what the bigass deal is with either song.
10:59. This is the point in the show where we're coming up on three hours and I can no longer keep concentrating. My Chemical Romance aren't going to help turn things around, either. 50 Cent swearing up a storm (censored by MM) did manage to wake me up for a few minutes. I don't know what Fat Joe was thinking -- 50 never loses these sorts of flamewars. The pertinent facts: Fat Joe vs 50 Cent is a commercial mismatch by at least a factor of ten.
11:07. Green Day win again and don't want to be left out of all the fun, so Billie Joe swears a few times while thanking his friends and managers.
11:15. Destiny's Child get to say a special goodbye speech on the cusp of their retirement. Wow, unprecedented, just like Lance Armstrong after winning his seventh Tour. Then, to the surpise of nobody who has watched any 20 consecutive minutes of this show, Green Day win for Video of the Year.
11:17. Kelly Clarkson gets the closing spot -- amazing. Let's get one thing straight. Skinny blonde Kelly is hot. This is the look that Lindsay Lohan is craving right now.
Well aware that she's closing the show and can afford to lose her mind a bit, she screams her way through an unglued version of "Since U Been Gone", as the performance incorporates an extended ending and a wet t-shirt contest. No complaints.
Final comment: my mind probably wandered very easily because of the busy week ahead, hence the lesser attention to detail compared to past awards show commentaries. It's also possible that the format is growing stale for me -- we'll see. Unlike last year, it was decently-paced and I didn't find myself bored shitless through most of it. As a host, Diddy was pompous, annoying, and totally unfunny. Otherwise, there were no grand peaks and valleys, just rolling plains of marginal quality with a few bits of interesting topography thrown in. Many people have slammed the show, calling it the worst MTV VMA's ever, but those people have obviously blocked 2004 out of their system. But I am starting to wonder if they'll achieve the rollercoaster rides of 1997 or 2003 anytime soon.
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