Brit Awards broadcast in Canada on Much!

:00 Another year goes by, and it's another year that I recede from my Brit-centric music focus (which is no longer Brit-centric at all), so I'm even more out of the loop with regard to who everybody is on this show. So keep that in mind if I make any dumbass comments. But from the opening montage, it won't appear to a problem with this show because most of the people appearing aren't even British.

:02 It seems they've overhauled the arena setup yet again (it's at Earl's Court). It's a Keplerian arrangement of concentric semicircular (2D, so not precisely Keplerian, but this is a good excuse to make up such a word) shells. First there's the stage, then a huge pit for the fans, then a catwalk with the podium in the centre (like last year) and finally the peanut gallery of dimly lit tables for the stars. The Brits awards own the semi-classy party vibe (the MMVA's own the tailgate party vibe).

:05 BEP open with a rockingly decent "Shut Up", it's the best version I've yet heard. Host Cat Dooley rides in on a giant champagne bottle to Primal Scream's "Rocks", a song whose shamelessly retro chops serve as a fine bit of foreshadowing for the evening.

:06 International Male Solo Artist. I love how they mix the songs together in the nominations (like last year), it's a small but slick touch I love. And here we go with some CanCon right off the bat with Shania. Sure, she may live in England now with her English husband, but she's come ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA TO REPRESENT OUR FINE COUNTRY. Uh, yeah. JTim wins, just like at every other awards show.

:08 As usual, I can't keep up with the Brits, for we're on to Best British Group (so soon?). And as was publicized all week (the show was four days ago), it's the Darkness.

:14 Busted are ... the new Ash? ... Silverchair's younger siblings? One smashing version of "Teenage Kicks" later, and I'm wondering what John Peel thinks about this.

:18 Somebody impersonates Mel B better than she can, babbling about breasts and fags in a leopard skin dress. It's nice to know that the Brits haven't forgotten about the Spice Girls. Hell, I miss them too. Anyhow, Busted win for best Pop Act. :26 Beyonce and Outkast (in the apparent tradition of wacky mismatched performers at the Brits) perform "together". Yes, who could forget Tom Jones and Robbie, Kylie and Justin? Well, I forgot them until about five seconds ago. But you know what I won't forget too soon? Andre 3000 outdoing himself yet again by dressing as part of a skeleton jumpsuit crew, with a bunch of backing singers and dancers who move as wildly as he does. And he kicks it off by proclaiming "are you ready to have a good time -- I can feel it in my bones!" -- oh ha ha. The words "HEY YA" flash in gaudy yellow letters behind him. This is brutally fun. And then they segue right into "Crazy in Love". Sure, play the best singles of 2003 back-to-back and show up everyone else at the Brits, why not? However, Andre has disappeared. I guess Jay-Z freaked out and didn't want Andre or anyone else with a Y chromosome too close to his girl.

:34 Best Rock Act ... the Primals are nominated? They haven't had an album for two years. Feeder? I thought nobody admitted to liking them. Slim pickings here. Obviously, The Darkness win.

:36 Brit Album nominee number 2 is The Coral, whose record was produced by Ian Broudie? Damn, that guy seems to produce a major Brit award nominee every year.

:41 It's a crazy diverse bunch for Best British Male, from Pop Idol Will Young to anti-pop idol Dizzee Rascal. And the winner is Daniel Bedingfield, who isn't even there! He gives an acceptance speech over the phone, which I can.t recall seeing before on the Brits. Nobody's interested, most likely because if he's not there, what's the point?

:44 We hit a pre-taped fake news report claiming 50 Cent was detained on the way to the Brits, complete with interrogation and jailbreak skit. Ever heard of just shut up and perform? Ooh, he's such a nasty boy, I so want to buy his record now. Just like the brits like the Strokes because they look like the way Brits want their New Yorkers to look, apparently somebody thinks that Brits need their American rap stars to look and act like thugs as well. There may be something to this. Eminem's UK tour was delayed for months in 2000 due to various legal issues (if I remember correctly) and he probably gained more pub through the controversy and endless anticipation than he would have if he'd just played as per the original schedule.

Any Brit performer who needs to set up his performance with a pre-taped video montage instantly recalls the 1996 MJ ego-trip. Sad, but true (at least for me, but for the post-Britpop teens it likely makes no difference). A rather ordinary "In Da Club" follows all this, yes there's homies, there's hoochies, blah blah blah.

:50 Best British Urban Act. NERD, in true American awards show stylee, stop everything to pimp the upcoming release of their record. Lemar wins the award, and apparently he was a Pop Idol runner up? And he has urban cred, wow. He accepts the award with his posse. I've never seen Ruben or Gary Beals with a posse.

:53 Best British single, damn, all these huge awards and we're still not even an hour into the show. Another nice thing about the Brits -- fans vote for nearly every award, and they show which groups of fans vote with each nomination (i.e. Radio 1 listeners, Kerrang UK readers, etc). It's yet another nice subtle touch. What the ... Gareth Gates did "Spirit in the Sky"? The British are the kings of making covers into megahits on multiple occasions. But the winner is Dido for "White Flag", and SHE's not there either? Huh? What is this, the MMVA's?

:56 Speak of the devil, it's a cover version of the "Love Cats" . And it's way better than the Cure's version, because it.s jazz done properly (by proper jazz artists).

1:04. Muse make an incredible amount of noise for only three people, which is a sure fire way to get me to take notice of a band. Amazing, do these guys actually keep up this pace throughout the whole of all their gigs? Wow.

1:08 Best International Female. They drag LLCoolJ out of the attic to present Beyonce with the inevitable. And what's with all the long speeches tonight (by Brit standards)?

You know, with all the awards and accolades Beyonce.s been getting, you might be fooled into believing that she's a singular talent, rather than a hot piece of ass who's been marketed to Mars and back, has an equally famous boyfriend, and owes all of her sound to the hottest bunch of pop music producers in years. Similar to the early 60's, with producers like Joe Meek and Phil Spector sculpting unique sounds and pushing boundaries on a weekly basis (and becoming more famous than anybody they worked with in the process), the likes of The Neptunes and Timbaland are the wizards behind the curtain, and I think history will come to recognize that (although *right now*, clearly Beyonce is more famous than any producer).

1:10 There's no time to breathe, because it's time for Best International Group. Speaking of dragging performers out of the attic, it's Lionel Ritchie, who's suddenly half as famous as his daughter, whose music career can't be too far removed from our radios. White Stripes do the Japanese overdub treatment and present themselves with the award for Best Band in All the Land.

1:14 OK, now it's actual collaboration time, with Alicia Keys and Gwen Stefani (another!) cover of Prince.s "Kiss". Later, Missy hijacks the performance, thankfully not wearing the same dress as the other two, and we segue into a verse of "Pass That Dutch".

1:20 Breakthrough Artist -- are The Darkness nominated in every category tonight? But the winner for the second time tonight is Busted. With their huge sales, why do they get no luv on this side of the pond while The Darkness get a boatload? Oh yeah, The Darkness look poncey and have long hair, which is exactly how Americans like their British rock stars to look.

Like with Blur and Oasis winning big at the Brits in the 90's after seemingly coming out of nowhere, it's no shock that The Darkness are all over this show because the Brit Awards know how to strike when the iron is hot. If this were the Oscars, for instance, The Darkness would never be winning all these awards because Hollywood makes sure that you "pay your dues" before winning the big awards. Thus, you get a lot of cases with actors winning because it's "their turn", not because they were the best in that particular year. The Darkness were the biggest story in British music this past year, and thus the show is centred around them, regardless of how long they've been plying their trade.

1:23. Ronan Keating!! Where's he been hiding? Dido wins for Best British Female. And she's still not there.

1:24 The awesome comes next, as it.s the Contribution to Music Award for yes yes yes!! Duran Duran!! It's strange how quickly one can go from a quaint embarrassment to legends, from retro relics to the people who "defined" the 80's. Pop is cool these days, what else can you say? It also involves would involve striking the "Thank You" and Electric Barbarella album from the annals of history ... but damned if they don't show a clip of the "Barbarella" video as soon as I write that! Duran Duran are bulletproof, it's official. The award is presented to them by JTim of all people. I can't picture him sitting on his porch as a kid with his mom and singing Duran Duran songs on the porch along with all the Johnny Cash ones. They pass the mic, and Nick Rhodes classily thanks Warren Cuccarello (sp?), the non-original member who toiled with them throughout the 90's. That's cool, because bands that reform with their original members normally pretend that all non-original members never existed (Kiss being the most recent perpetrators). Count on the Brits to give Duran Duran the classy tribute that the MTV awards screwed up so royally last September.

As for the performance, Simon can't quite hit the notes he used to, but the songs sound awesome as always, so it's no surprise that the live shows have been so well received. The "wedding" album was seen as a return to form ten years ago, and the all the live shows were well-received then as well, so this isn't solely a retro wave that they're riding -- the songs really are that damned good. Say hello to "Hungry Like the Wolf", "Ordinary World", and "Wild Boys". Other awards shows, particularly the Grammy's, need to learn from this -- if you're going to make a big deal about somebody and label them lifetime achievers, give them 15 minutes.

1:41 The Brit award album nominees are now complete, with the Darkness, Dido, Blur, Daniel Bedingfield, and The Coral. If these were the Oscars, Blur wouldn't win because they've won before, the Darkness have never been nominated and haven't paid their dues, the Coral are also young and thus have the time to win some other year, and Daniel Bedingfield is too pop, he's the equivalent of an actor getting nominated for a role in a comedy, or Johnny Depp's nomination this year. Thus, Dido would be the winner.

1:45 International Breakthrough (= a much better name than Best New Artist, because you can justify using the term to describe artists like Sean Paul who have been around for a while) and the winner is 50. Duh. International Album features the usual suspects (JTim, Beyonce, White Stripes, Xtina, Outkast), and the winner is Justin. Huh. It's only my first record, he says, so we still have depression and drug addiction to go through. Best line of the night by far.

1:50 But Cat is right, the night does belong to The Darkness and they prove it by storming through the final performance of the night, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love". Sure, they've set the business back thirty years, but so did Britpop (at the time). Expect the full disco and punk revivals to come along in a few years. Oh wait ...

I knew if I kept my hair long then it'd some back into style again. I am fashion.

1:55 Mmm Scarlet Johanson presents the Darkness with their Best Album award for "Permission to Land".

1:58. Uh, no, I'm sorry, I just noticed the feathered mane on Justin Hawkins. back, no this is not cool, maybe I should cut my hair.

This was a decent, if predictable show, partly due to show's placement in the awards show calendar because all the same people have appeared all the other award shows already and received all the same awards. But the Brits (the people) don't take awards shows (and the honour of winning the statues) as seriously as we do in North America, so as long as everyone had fun ...

Post show, Much Weekly shows some red carpet action, with Pharrell and Gwen Stefani complimenting Hannah Sung on her creepy Poltergeist hair, Alicia Keys arriving in a horse and carriage (??), and The Darkness pulling up in their custom painted muscle car. OK, that's cool, I am keeping my hair long after all.