I got home at seven AM yesterday, but I couldn't sleep. Why? I started flipping channels, scanned through all of the music video channels on Berlin TV (i.e., MTV, VIVA, etc.) and was entranced by quantity of CHEESY VIDEOS. Honestly, all this shlock came on within the span of twenty minutes.

Ace of Base -- The Sign. Not only is the video cheesy, but the song's production is too. The Neptunes have really spoiled us. Were fast panning, flash cutting, and flying colours considered edgy in early 90's pop video, or is this the exception? Ace of Base were completely harmless pop fluff, therefore, it's easy to recognize why they were so popular. Also, I believe they paved the way for the cute girls + utterly useless boys = pop group trend of the mid to late 90's. I think that trend died with the boy band resurgence. I think people got bored of the implication that pop was excessively manufactured and needed explicit reassurance that this was the case, hence, the boy bands. After all, we are living in the George W. Bush era, so things need to be dumbed down. It's also interesting to recall that those were the days when excessive T&A weren't neccessary for making a pop video. These days, the Ace of Base girls would have been 85% naked on the cover of Maxim within two weeks of the song hitting #1. We all lost out.

Haddaway -- What is Love. A Night at the Roxbury notwithstanding, this is one of those Songs That I Can't Respect Myself For Liking, But I Like Them Anyway. House of Pain's "Jump Around" and Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me" fall into the same category. Let's all recall the early 1990's, a time when black performers sported hairstyles straight out of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". Haddaway must have loved the video for Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love", because the setting here is a virtual replica, albeit with 1/20th of the budget. And unlike the Meatloaf song, there's no storyline to either the video or the lyrics, it's just Haddaway singing the same nine words over and over while engaging in exagerrated hand foppery. Still, I love the tune. Really.

Wham! -- Last Christmas. The campest video of all time featuring horny young singers cavorting with innocent-looking girls-next-door. Except, of course, for Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough". At least Wham! had a half-decent excuse, with this being a Christmas song and all. Christmas songs are supposed to be feelgood campy drivel. DM have no excuse and no recourse except to blame the whole thing on Vince Clarke. The scene where they share the sodas in the diner with the girls may be the lowest moment in Depeche Mode's career. They all look about fourteen and the whole thing is so junior high double date, it's embarrassing.

For some reason, this song gets played on pop radio a lot here. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention, although not nearly as often as Pink's "Trouble", Black Eyed Peas' "Shut Up" and Westlife's "Mandy" (and it pains me to report that "Mandy" has been added to the list of Songs That I Can't Respect Myself For Liking, But I Like Them Anyway). Back to the video, where Andrew Ridgeley comes across as 100 times cuter and more heartthrob-worthy than the ugly duckling he had the poor misfortune to make over. For the sake of his career, Wham! came along a decade too early. These days boy bands commonly splinter into separate successful solo careers. Ridgeley could have at least been Gary Barlow to George Michael's Robbie Williams.

TV Allstars -- Do They Know It's Christmas? There is no conceivable reason that this recording should exist. Who are these people? British TV stars? Do I really care who they are (no)? I have no desire to watch cheery-eyed kids singing any tune, under any circumstance (this falls under the under-16 rule I formulated during the summer). Seriously, this dancepop-lite rendition is so lightweight it makes Aaron Carter sound like Ritchie Hawtin.

Whitney Houston -- I Wanna Dance With Somebody. Daft colours, daft clothes, daft dancing, and even daft floors. Saturday Night Fever and Billie Jean were the last word in light-up dancefloors, any subsequent attempt to use one has come off looking silly.