Notes log from the MTV Video Music Awards.

:00 Britney singing "Like a Virgin"? What an underhanded, transparent publicity ploy to take an ironic stab at her "wait until marriage" insistence while engaging in pre-hype for the attempted ressurrection of her career with the release of her newe record this fall. It's saucy, it's brilliant.

:01 Christina's in it too! Oh, this is good.

:02 Madonna's in it too! She's the groom -- this is really good.

:03 Kisses! Yowza!! Then Missy Elliot completely ruins the sexy erotic vibes with her run-in. The Gap must be thrilled though.

:05 There are too many little things to love about this performance, from Mads cradling X-tina's leg and sliding off her garter, to Britney's up-to-the-pupik bridle skirt, to the Queer Eye guys losing it in the audience during the whole thing. Awesome.

:15 Chris Rock rules the monologue, tearing up Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, and "50 Cent took more shots to the face than Jenna Jameson". CR should host every award show. The Oscars, the Country Music Awards, everything. It should be his full time job.

:16 You know, the outfits Ashanti's been wearing recently would work a lot better if she had any tits. Someone needs to tell her this.

:17 How is "Hot In Herre" eligible for Best Hip Hop vid? That's so last year. But it's not such a bad idea to nominate it every year from now on, since the song and video kick ass. And where's 50 in this category?

:18 Missy wins it with the worst vid of the bunch. There aren't even any hoochies in "Work It". No hoochies, no hip-hop.

:21 The voice-over reminds us to stay tuned for "America's sweetheart Kelly Clarkson". Yeah, like that wholesome image will get her over with the X-Games generation. If she's not naked in Maxim by spring 2004, her career is dead.

:29 I'm grabbing a snack during most of Good Charlotte. As if on cue, CR tears them apart after their performance with perfectly timed "Good Charlotte? More like mediocre Green Day". YEAH!!

:31 Beyonce's wearing the open-styled dress a la J-Lo or Cameron Diaz on the Tonight Show. Way to promote those Christian values. Rhetorical note to Daddy Knowles: why would you forbid her to date until she was 18, but allow her to wear stuff like that?

:36 Speaking of Christians, here's Evanescence to say nothing of note, and come off like the whitest losers ever while trying to hang with the infinitely cooler Sean Paul.

:38 There are so many "dated" videos nominated, i.e. "Lose Yourself", Nelly + Kelly, Aaliyah ... these vids seem so ... old, so last year. When the Grammys and the Oscars have already nominated (and honoured) this stuff, then it makes these awards look really behind the times. But maybe we shouldn't be too surprised that the videos are out of date, since MTV doesn't actually play videos. (everyone else has been making that comment, so I might as well do it too)

:45 Murphy Lee makes the shows' first plug for a new album. A whole three-quarters of an hour until the first instance of this type of shameless self-promotion -- gotta be a new record.

:48 X-tina gets to perform again, a medley of "Dirty" and "Fighter" and a medley of the usual leather/skank/raunch stuff that we used to getting from her. Nothing wrong with that, though.

:53 The MTV2 award is the dumbest thing ever. Roots, Interpol, Common, AFI, QOTSA -- what do these acts have in common? So it's honouring the best of the 2nd tier of pop music? The best artists who aren't popular enough to get Punk'd or played on TRL? AFI wins, if anybody cares.

1:00 When everything sounds the same, what exactly is a Best Pop vid? Didn't X-tina get nominated for the R&B award for the same song? Are Kelly Clarkson and Justin Timberlake "pop" artists because they're white? Even the categories at the Grammys make more sense.

1:03 P Diddy's wearing an oversized "Remember Barry White" shirt. Come on, Puffman, say with feeling -- rip off one of his songs and call it "sampling" just like you do with everyone else.

1:05 After the very genuine emotion showed by P Diddy, Run, and DMC, the award introduction vid featuring a goofy white boy rap take-off sure is tasteless. Best Rap Vid = 50 Cent, duh.

1:08 There's going to be a "special appearance" by Eminem? He's been all over the show already!

1:13 L'il Jon makes the best of a tough situation by giving some wild shout-outs while Hillary Duff and Jason Biggs do their unsuccessful best to not look as white as they are.

1:15 Coldplay win for Best Group Vid. They're the only non punk/metal rock band at this show. In other words, the only "regular" rock band. Then again, most "regular" rock bands didn't have a good year on the pop charts.

1:18 Eminem and the puppet continue this soon-to-annual running gag. Stupid but funny. Eminem has great comic timing. He handles the "reluctant straight man" part well -- he should put this talent to excellent use by starring in a remake of "Kindergarten Cop".

1:19 A strangely understated 50 performance ... until, oh, lots of posse, lots of boobs, and Snoop P.I.M.P. It's the shizzle, obviously.

1:30 We don't get "Queer Eye" here yet, but is this gay chic big now or what? Every show on TV has at least one gay character, and from Will & Grace to this upcoming reality show based around the search for a gay country singer, to The Kiss from earlier tonight, gay is in, big time. Seriously, I think gay is the new black.

1:38 According to CR, rap/metal = affirmative action for white people. Not as great as the Good Charlotte dis, but what possibly could be? But the disdain behind the comment is accurate -- excepting the opening number, every (straight) white person on this show has come off as a complete moron.

1:44 Gotta open the mail sometime ... might as well be now ... the girl can flat-out sing, but I've never liked Mary J. Blige. Nice change of pace with the performance out on the street. 50 makes a cameo -- it's obvious this guy's having the time of his life tonight.

1:53 Poor Avril (the only Canuck on this show) has to play 3rd fiddle to the legendary Duran Duran and Kelly Osborne screaming like a horny schoolgirl. I'm not one to put a huge emphasis on sales, but Avril has sold ten times more records than you ever will, Kelly, so get out of the way and stop hogging the stage. Kelly is right about one thing, though : everyone stand up and honour DD. They INVENTED MTV. The bodacious mostly-naked women, the exotic locales, the vast expense -- they are everything that is good, honourable and popular in videos over the last 20 years. The Michael Jackson freakshow has been turning up at award ceremonies for the last ten years to present himself with Lifetime Achievement by a Supergenius Pop Star Awards, and Duran Duran have kept quiet in the shadows and received nothing. They were even relevant more recently than Michael -- the "wedding" album was a huge hit in 1993 and resurrected their career, whereas Michael hasn't meant anything since "Nevermind" dethroned "Dangerous" at the top of the charts. Plus, we finally get some white guys on this show who don't make asses of themselves. Anyway, they get their overdue Lifetime Achievement award and we move on to the Best Dance Vid. X-tina looks upset about not winning, which is understandable since it's her 103rd nomination in an incredible 103 different categories.

2:05 J.Tim may like Coldplay, but what 15 year old is watching this show and saying "never mind MJB and 50, I never realised that Coldplay were so awesome". Having the whitest guy in the building endorsing them doesn't help the situation. Coldplay's performance is the equivalent of the Grammys using jazz and classical performers -- they want to appear well-rounded, but it's just a token performance since the industry isn't geared at all toward selling those artists. Coldplay aren't on the show because MTV likes their sort of music, it's because they became so huge last year that MTV didn't have any choice but to include them.

2:09 When John Mayer's name is read for Best Male vid, there is absolutely NO cheer. Like he has a chance against Em, 50, and JT in this category anyway. JT wins his third award here.

2:11 JT wants to share this award with co-nominee JC. Not Chasez. That's nice, no sarcasm. Poor Johnny was too ill to attend.

2:17 Way to go Mya, make a joke about Pammy's chest. That's so played out, you know, kinda like your career. As for Best New Artist in a video, nobody had a chance against 50.

2:20 Linkin Park's Chester likes all sorts of music, y'know? He listens to Outkast when he's smokin' blunts, know wha he's sayin'? Nobody does. See what I said about the white guys being as cool as Barry Manilow? When a normally sure-fire weed comment fails to get a reaction from the crowd, you're JUST NOT COOL.

2:24 I may make fun of Beyonce's "I'm so wholesome yet so slutty" daddy's girl image, but "Crazy in Love" is a fantastic pop single, probably the best of the year.

2:34 Ben Stiller wins the award for the Best Crowd Reaction to a Caucasian Performer or Presenter.

2:36 Whoa, Good Charlotte beat out the heavy hitters for the Viewers Choice Award. The singer thanks their fans by stating "nobody in this industry would care about our band if it wasn't for the people who came to GC shows". Uh, isn't that true of EVERY BAND? Bands without any fans don't tend to get noticed by the industry, with good reason.

2:43 Adam Sandler just stole the award I gave to Ben Stiller nine minutes ago. I take back my comment about white people not being cool. This show has shown that white people are uncool -- EXCEPT FOR THE JEWS!!! Fo shizzle ma dizzle!

2:46 Missy wins again with the worst video of the bunch (but it's still a good video). Lots of people have raved about "Hurt" but it isn't so much a great video as it is an incredibly scary video. Honestly, it makes "Thriller" look like an Aaron Carter video. It's so unnerving because the song itself is creepy, June and Johnny look like the walking dead (particularly when set against older tape of their younger selves), and it's filmed in grimy black and white and yellow. I don't mean to sound morbid in the wake of June's death, but my feelings haven't changed since I first saw the video months ago. As with John Cale, Johnny's years of hard living caught up with him in the nineties and he aged about thirty years in the last decade. Everytime I see Johnny on TV, he looks older and frailer, and the "Hurt" video is an extension of this sequence of steadily deteriorating health.

2:47 Metallica play a medley containing "Are You Gonna Go Away", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Seven Nation Army", and "Beat It". With that last selection, 5% of their remaining fanbase vanished.

2:52 Here's to 20 years of MTV? Didn't MTV start in 1981? Anyhow, great show tonight : hardly a boring moment, shocks and surprises, T&A, high comedy, what more could you want?