MMVA's 2005

I'm stoked because this year's lineup of guests is the best in the history of the MMVA's. Ciara! Yum! For those who aren't familiar with the wild chaotic masquerade street party that is the Much Music Video Awards, read the first paragraph of last year's post for an introduction.

I caught a couple of minutes of the red carpet arrival, which appeared crazed and disorganized while the VJ's tripped over their words trying to kill time amongst the screaming and chaos. Ah, Much Music. Good times. And here we go ...

9:00 PM. ... with Billy Talent. Let's review. I hated their performance last year. I make a concerted effort to flip their channel when their videos come on the air. And now, they're screaming a bunch of bullocks and stinking up the main MMVA stage, therefore continuing the established pattern. At least the stage looks great. I walked by it last night and it looked absolutely majestic -- sleek, metallic, and very, very, shiny.

9:05. Matte uses the word "ever" over and over and over and over and over again in his opening spiel. I hate this guy, I really do. I can't recall ever hearing him say anything intelligent on air. To be more precise, I can't recall ever hearing him not say anything unintelligent. This show is off to a terrible start.

Where are the gaudy Halloween outfits? Sarah looks normal. Does the spirit of Sook-Yin Lee no longer reside at Much Music?

9:11. As expected, four billion things are happening and I can't keep up. Sarah makes dumb Canada vs USA small talk with the Killers, K-os wins an award, and Ciara jacks up the crowd with a "Oh"/"1-2 Step" medley featuring some astoundingly dodgy lip-synching.

9:21. Black Eyed Peas get a Sandman-esque entrance, which leads to them announcing Billy Talent as the winners of the Much Loud Best Rock award. The highlight of this show so far is the constant, excessive screaming.

9:31. Well, that's all changed thanks to a mindblowing effort from the Arcade Fire. They slam into a noisy sprawl, dressed in (appropriate) funereal black, surrounded by the fallen bodies of a marching band that has apparently drank too much of their funny-tasting kool-aid. They tear through "Rebellion (Lies)", thereby hopefully selling another 20 000 copies of their album in Canada by the end of the month. That song has been slowly climbing the Much countdown, so it's possible that The Kids really do like this song and don't think of it as a Flaming Lips/Polyphonic Spree-type wacky joke (I'm sure that's what the Billy Talent fans are thinking, but to hell with them). Finally, they hit the final minute of the song and the marching band wakes up, joins in the song, continues to play as the song ends, and marches out the front door of the Much studio with the band following them in a weird reversal of the Pied Piper motif from the video. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in front of the TV nearly lost for words. If there's any reason for you to beg, borrow, or steal a copy of this show, this is it, as I can't recall a better musical performance on any awards show in recent memory.

9:38. It's all downhill from there, although Sarah shamelessly hitting on the Backstreet Boys like a drunken sorority girl is certainly quite entertaining. The crowd is going bezerk, nobody can hear anything, and A.J. looks really fucking old. Whose dad just wandered on stage? Did Oasis get another new guitarist and forget to take him with them after their concert on Friday? Eventually, the Killers win for Best International Video by a Group ("Mr. Brightside"), which I can certainly live with as that's a better song than the other nominations put together and multiplied by ten.

9:42. Matte kept his streak alive while talking to Tie Domi. Way to go, dude.

9:44. Best Independent Video goes to Alexisonfire. It's a good night for rock in the T.O. tonight. Later, Rob and Amber dodge a bullet with Ed the Sock. That is, Ed didn't completely humiliate them and reduce them to rubble -- it must be an off-night for Ed.

9:54. Black Eyed Peas certainly know how to rock an awards show, and this time is no exception. Fergie has the MILF shtick down pat, while Will.I.Am and the other two do their usual shinier happier impressions of Andre 3000. K-os' "Man I Used To Be" wins for Best Rap Video, and the recipient simply thanks his parents despite Matte's protestations that he say something wacky and stoopid. It's appropriate that this followed the BEP's performance, because the aforementioned Andre 3000 would empathise with that sort of humility and general disdain for awards show silliness.

10:04. What a difference a year makes. After a rough debut last year, Devon is now completely comfortable in this environment and is the only VJ tonight that hasn't been spewing complete drivel from his mouth.

10:07. Alexisonfire deliver a frantic, treble-drenched performance. Impressive through sheer willpower, if nothing else.

10:09. It's definitely an off-night for Ed, as he admits that he's got no dirt on Billy Talent. The band has obviously spent years watching Ed's antics and just laugh along with everything he says anyhow. Ed, where is your muse?

10:13. Best International Video ... the usual suspects ... Snoop, Usher, Kanye, 50 Cent, and ERIC PRYDZ'S "CALL ON ME"? Huh? Did they throw that in there to check if we were paying attention? Spoof or not, the song is pure cornball junk. Does a Steve Winwood sample pass for irony these days? Man, what can I get for a Genesis or Supertramp sample? There's a reason we laugh at Olivia Newton-John videos these days, so what gives? It's no "Praise You", that's for sure.

Usher's "Caught Up" is the winner, despite being the worst song of the bunch. Yeah, Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" was also the 19th single from a mega-selling album, and it was also a fun video despite being a bleh song, but what do you expect when you're milking an album for bonus singles? Also, he couldn't even be bothered to come up with a half-assed excuse as to why he wasn't there. The tried and true "I'm in the studio" line always works, it's the "I have an early meeting tomorrow" of awards show excuses, but no, he's going to just chill down in Atlanta and enjoy the award. Jeez.

10:23. In the Best Video category, Billy Talent are nominated twice, as is K-os. Simple Plan are also nominated for their ripoff of the Good Charlotte suicide video. When you pattern your career after Good Charlotte, I think it's safe to say that you've hit the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, these three acts were huge in Canada this year, but three artists in a five-noms category is embarrassing. Predictably, Billy Talent win for "River Below".

10:29. K-os' understated, progrock-tinged perfomance appears to deflate a crowd that is only in it for the screaming by this point.

10:35. The mad-for-it anonymous half of Sum 41 drink with cheerleaders and introduce Ashlee Simpson. In order to cover up for her non-talent and atonal singing "style", it seems as though the band has taken to playing out of tune as well. Seriously, did anyone bother to tune the bass guitar during soundcheck? Truth is stranger than fiction. How long can Ashlee continue to get away with this nonsense?

10:39. Kalan Porter receives a curious non-reaction. Why is this -- is the crowd all yelled out, or are they horrified by his gaudy green jacket? Gwen Stefani wins for Best International Artist, and at least she had the decency to pre-record a statement and give a half-decent excuse about flying back from Italy after filming a video and being too tired after eating all that pasta, har har, etc. (Usher, I'm looking at you).

10:43. Fefe Dobson announces the Best Canadian Artist -- "KALAN FUCKING PORTER!" -- hooray for live television. He beat out Avril and K-os. Well, anybody but Shawn Desman, who, judging by his conversation with Matte, is 4'6" tall. Discovering that bad musicians are really short = a guilty pleasure.

10:46. At least they're presenting "People's Choice Favourite Canadian Group" last, unlike last year (Int Group, presented minutes before, was Green Day). Simple Plan win for the third year in a row, and they're NOT THERE??? Would Green Day skip the MTV video awards? Would any artist nominated for multiple awards not bother to show up to their own country's awards show? But principally, Much Music broke artists like Avril and Simple Plan, so if they're nominated, they should stop everything and get their ungrateful asses to the show. Maybe the impressive roll-call of A-list musicians in attendance this year (hey, Much got all five Backstreet Boys to appear, which is a big improvement from their 2/5 batting average in past years) will convince our own artists to not shit on Canada next year.

10;48. Neutered-Ed shoots the breeze with the Backstreet Boys. Summary: "Thanks for giving me so many years of great material". "No problem, it's all good".

10:55. Rob and Amber get the Liz Taylor slot and make the final introduction of the evening. I'll be sorry when they stop the party-hopping and go back to their Florida retreat to birth babies full-time, because they handle themselves better than 99.9% of all presenters on all awards shows. In the end, it's left to the Killers to play the fantastic "All These Things That I've Done" (complete with gospel choir and Kelly Osborne look-alike) as the show comes to a close. I get a lump in my throat when I hear this song and the video is one of the best in years. This song deserves to be 1000 times bigger than the wildly overrated "Mr. Brightside".

Well, the VJ's looked dazed and confused, and the show seemed even more disorganized than in past years, but the show featured some amazing performances courtesy of almost everybody except for Billy Talent (but especially Arcade Fire and The Killers). The MMVA's may have now surpassed the Brits when it comes to jamming prodigiously large amounts of content into a two-hour show. Good night sweetheart.