Live Diary of the two hour American Idol finale! The winners! The losers! Find out how they can possibly stretch a foregone conclusion into a two hour snoozefest!

8:01. Fantasia's fans are in the Greensboro Coliseum, but Diana's are in the Georgia Dome. Well that settles it, Diana is the bigger draw, so she should win.

8:02. Big stars are there, and a WAY too thin Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm glad I'm over her, she's well on her way to a permanent heroin addict face.

8:04. LaToya Blandon with her usual vocal gynmastics and trills in place of, you know, carrying a tune. Sometimes it's OK to just sing the words kids. A two syllable word doesn't always have to turn into a twelve syllable one.

8:06. Diana and her cleavage are interviewed by Seacrest. In the next few months, expect her to lose 30 pounds by record label executive decree and return as a Britney-esque teen vamp. The naive hick vermeer will obviously generate horny old man money, it's working for Hilary Duff.

8:16. How does George Huff sing and smile at the same time?

8:24. As we continue to check in with every conceivable person connected with the show, we talk with Randy and Paula about absolutely nothing, then with Ray Romano about a car ride with 13 year old girls, and then the usual mediocre performance by the adorable Jasmine Trias. On the heels of last nights gems, not to mention LaToya and George's performances, it's never been more obvious that she has no stage prescence. Her voice blends right into her backing tape and gives me little reason to look up from my keyboard.

8:30. In an ongoing effort to fill this one-hour pre-game show with anything resembling content, it's an interview with Simon, who claims he's the only judge who knows what he's talking about. It's hard to argue with that one -- his comments have been totally on point all season.

8:35. Since nothing is going on, I might as well espouse some conspiracy theories. It's quite clear that the Idol juggernaut has been doing the hard sell for a Fantasia win ever since LaToya got the boot. I wish they didn't have to be so blatant about it. About six weeks ago, Clive Davis sat down with the show's producers and made pointed remarks about who was considered marketable and who was not. Once the final three was set, there was only one person left who fit the bill of "potential star our company can get behind". And thus the word was passed down, to the producers, judges, Seacrest, and so on.

8:42. Simon looked well-assembled a few minutes ago, and now he's dishevelled, without a tie and his collar unbuttoned. Hey, I take what little material they give me.

8:44. A great performance by Kelly, Ruben, Diana and Fantasia sees the latter two women (particularly Diana) completely drown out the increasingly sluttier-dressing Kelly. Remember, I said months ago (I think it was during the MTV awards) that Kelly had to be half naked in Maxim by the end of the spring or her career was toast. I stand by that statement. Every new AI season makes each previous winner fade further into memory, and each finalist exponentially more so. Except for Tamyra, who seems to be bigger than ever. How did she score this songwriting gig with the new AI single (which is a subpar song, btw)?

8:55. More ado about nothing, as we visit the home states again, and zzzzzz ...

9:02. Kelly Clarkson's album went 2x platinum, but Clay's is already 3x platinum. Kelly, meet Maxim.

9:06. None of these AI Ford commercials even approach the brilliance of the one from last season with Ruben as the pimp daddy.

9:10. This show is more tedious than listening to music for 168 straight hours. That's how long it feels like this show has gone on. There's only one way to relieve the boredom now ... that's right, alcohol.

9:12. "And now, for some of the fantastic ensemble numbers you can expect to see when the American Idol finalists tour to a city near you" ... if every week had been Motown week, George would be still be competing ... how did we end up with such a useless male competitor as JPL, I want to punch him every time the camera flashes by his mug ... John gets the belated chance to sing some big band, if only for one line ...

9:20. Barry Manilow is none too enthused about the makeup artist not knowing who he is. 99.9 % of us will never be so famous that we can relate, so all we can do is laugh. Bwaahahahahaha.

9:27. Ruben sings a charming song that ponders the pressing question of where his career would be if he wasn't a fat fuck.

9:34. It looks like we're in for another run through the bland AI single. The more I hear this song, the more it reminds me of a 5th generation photocopy of "A Moment Like This". Nice try, Tamyra, but the original was waaay better, as was Pop Idol's "This Time".

Diana shouts and screams her way through "I Believe". Fantasia is so much better at showing restraint with her voice. And as I type that, she comes on stage and sleepwalks her way through a similarly slushy power ballad called "Dreams", showing *too much* restraint.

9:42. Yes, Ryan, who will get the record deal and who will get the consolation prize (which is also surely a record deal)? I don't hold this against Ryan, since he's obviously just saying what he's told to say. In this way, he's also forced to say "it's ALL up to YOU America, YOU decide who goes on in this competition, NOT the judges, it's all up to YOU, so VOTE for your favourites, if you don't VOTE, then they can't WIN, so vote early, vote OFTEN, right AFTER the show!!!". Then, when the wrong person gets eliminated (see: Hudson, Jennifer, or London, LaToya), he has to say "America, it's not a popularity contest, it's a talent contest, and you can't let talent like this slip through the cracks".

9:49. Fantasia smiled and joked her way through the whole season, but she's been overusing her intense face the last two nights. It's her "I want to win bad" face. Perhaps Diana is too young to possess such a face. This is certainly not a bad thing.

9:54. In Season One, they made it clear that there was a 2 to 1 voting margin. Last year was the famous two hundred thousand vote difference. This time, there are 65 million votes, and they don't announce the results. Can we read anything into this? Anyhow, the rightful winner takes her crown, and can hardly sing through the streams of tears.

10:00. It was a horrifically boring show at times, but the right person won and the ending was certainly dramatic and touching, so we all go home happy. And I can go back to flipping between baseball and basketball.